Angels of hell: Tristan

 I was just on my way. I didn’t plan this. Why would anyone ever plan this? 

The path is covered in red sand, dry, but still. There’s no sign of wind here, no sign of life whatsoever. It’s hauntingly silent. But am I scared? Of course not! I didn’t bobble when there were people around. So why bother now? Looking at this, the green fields could have very well been a dream. The air contains images of my innate desires. I never knew what to do with this feeling, happiness! Especially when it belongs to someone else!

I’ve been close to this place, but never in, not this far. What have I done to deserve this? Forbidden question!

There she is. I knew she’d be here. I always know it when I’m approaching cross roads. And every time I slow down to pay heavy, undivided, uncontrolled warm attention to her. Look at her! I know that evil smile, wrapped up in pride, blown open by a million sins that I’m yet to commit. I know her!

“Who are you?” An unwanted question! I could have asked her directly, but I want to be sure.

“An angel.”

I know she isn’t lying, I know her. She isn’t aware of my existence, only partially awake! Her expressions are changing. What she wants is to rip of my spirit off my body and leave me bleeding, leave me to die unless it rains anytime soon. But it never rains when you want it to. She’s making me fall, forget my next question. But it hits me, luckily!

“Why are you here?” But didn’t I know that? I want her to say it! So I can fight her.

“To help you?”

“How?”

“You’ve been walking far too long. You should rest. I’ll keep you company. We’ll share stories that no one else knows. I’ll show you a world that you haven’t seen. I’ll show you a world of dreams, a perfect world!”

“What’s the catch?” There has to be something! I know her, I know her name. They call her that for a reason.

“If you begin to enjoy my company… Let me put it in a better way. If I start to enjoy your company, you can’t leave unless I want you to.”

Conjure it! I don’t know what to say. I can hear her, she’s saying nothing! Perform your tricks, draw me out. Wake me up. Someone, do something! It’s too late.

“I know what you do. I’m looking at you, but once we start looking in the same direction, I’ll be paralyzed. I think I’ll pass.”

“You can’t! You’ve had your piece of peace. You took a detour didn’t you? I’ve been watching, you know. There lies a vast, empty, white nothingness ahead. There’s no one there. It’s just us, at every turn.”

She’s lit up. She isn’t lying though. I’ve been out of space and time. I have, for a while, been in someone else’s world, a better world, a happier world. I left my castle of pride for the love of love! I used to be safe in there. And now I’m standing here. She’s furious. Her golden body is burning but not melting. I wish she would melt away. I wish I would melt away. Burn me. Forbidden thought! Now I can ask her.

“What’s your name?”

“Please stay. Stay by me.” Mind games? She knows I’m too good for that. After all, I had built a castle. That has got to count for something. Her voice is changing.

“What’s your name?”

“Tristan.”

I know her. She must have a million names. She’s an angel after all. I want her to say her grace name, as they call it.

“Your first name? The one you were given by yourself.”

“Sorrow.”

It is the truth. It is what I knew I’d hear but didn’t want to. She’s turning blue, reddish blue. She isn’t talking anymore. She’s in my head. She asks me if I don’t trust her. What sort of mockery is that? Of course I don’t trust her. Her lies are deceptive; truths are too good to be true. She’s gracious, beautiful and angry. Why on earth would I trust her? But am I on earth? Interesting question! I lie instead.

“I do. Certainly I do.” I shouldn’t have said it twice. She knows my selfish choice.

“I can’t let you go, you know. This is what I do, darling. I must make you pay. And you must pay. You’ve collected a lot that doesn’t belong to you. It was never meant to be yours. You’ve had your miracle. And now you must pay for it!”

I’m falling weak. Kill me instead! Should I give in? I don’t disagree with her at any specific point. She may not be right, but she isn’t wrong either. Every time I look at her, she turns still more right, more seductive.

I’m walking through wormholes of emotions, jumping from gloom to anger to resilience and back to gloom again. Someone has to know this. A chance of repose in the wake of confession, a chance of confession in the wake of persuasion, a chance of persuasion in the wake of temptation! That is all I need. She knows this. I can have it all, she said that. But I’m out of time. Life is short. I wish it was shorter!

She’s back in my head. She asks me to give it up, give up everything I own. She tells me that once done, I won’t have anything to lose. A perfect opportunity! An easy choice! A right choice? I don’t know.

Memories, she once told me, are glued to the individual; either you carry them forward or else they hold you back. She reminds me of what she said, and tells me that she’s my only escape, asks me once again to rest in herself. She refers to herself by another name in Spanish. She tells me that it means broken haven. I’m running out of any words that’d make sense right now.

“But I can’t. This ain’t my destiny. You make surrender sound so beautiful, when it is only losing a war without resistance. I’d rather die of the tyrant’s hands than give into his dominion. What could you possibly do to me if I don’t accept your offer?

“Oh me? Nothing! But you’re well aware of who you’re gonna see at the next turn. I’m only angry, but Fiona is disappointed. Your world was just a rebellion to me, but to her it was an uprising. You only defied me once, but you denied her mere existence in your world. She has always been with you, even if you didn’t want her to. She has been your guardian, your savior, your protector! And you…!”

“I’m well aware of what I did. She has kept me from venturing into my world. I had a chance. I took a chance. I didn’t need her. I left her hell and took a shot at my heaven. I didn’t fail. But somehow, she won, for no good reason she won! I have no regrets.” I lie again. It’s the best I can do right now.  I know her too, Fiona. She’s the worst of them all.

“You’re fighting a war you’ve already lost. You know that I can’t harm you. But others can and they will. I can only offer you a place to rest, and in return I ask for your most valuable possession, time. Wait here by my side, and you’ll be safe. Wait for something else to appear, another chance at a better world and I’ll let you leave.”

“Liar!” I scream. She looks away. She immediately recognizes the anger. She realizes that I won’t stay. So she awards me with a part of her soul. I can feel her enter my body, plague my mind. I’m cursed. She has wrapped herself around every last memory of mine.

I wait before I leave. She makes me wait before she lets me leave. I look at her. The images start to reappear. She doesn’t let me blink. She makes me see what I had as what I lost, makes me think of my dreams as fantasies, makes me visit places and calls them unreachable, makes me feel life worse than death. She reaches into my memories, reads images, creates a world, my world in front of me and then she takes it apart piece by piece. After ages, I feel myself drowning, my head sinking faster than my feet.

“You don’t want me, but you can’t escape me. This part of me will stay with you not until the end of your life, but until the end of my life. I’m immortal!”

This is not her last move. This is Fiona’s first move. It is not long before I face her.